The Expression of Defeat
by dragonprincess1988
Summary: Raph never thought that he would ever see the day when Splinter gave up on anything, least of all him.


There's an expression on his father's face that he doesn't recognize - one that Raph has never seen before. It takes him a moment to realize that it's a look of defeat, and the sudden realization makes Raphael feel like he's been hit in the gut with a tire iron. He never thought that he would ever see the day when Master Splinter gave up on anything, least of all him. His breath catches in his throat, leaving him unable to speak a single word…not that Raph really knows what to say. He guesses it was kind of inevitable, given his attitude and general ability to seemingly screw everything up.

Abruptly, the silence is broken by the sound of a heart wrenching sob and it takes Raph a good minute to realize that the sound came from him. He turns his gaze away, unable to continue looking at his father, as tears start to form in his eyes. A part of him wants to apologize, but he knows that there's no point. He doesn't blame Splinter for finally giving in. After all, Raph is fairly certain that if he was in his sensei's position, then he would have given up on himself a long time ago. He just doesn't understand why it took until now or why this was the breaking point. Raph desperately wants to know what he did this time that was so different from seemingly every other incident before this, but he can't seem to find the words. Still, he desperately wants to know what exactly caused that expression on his father's face in the first place.

Raph doesn't know what to do or what to say. He didn't see this coming, though he feels as if he should have. A part of him wants to turn away and run, but the rest of him is just stuck in place - unsure of how to breathe, not to mention move. He's suddenly blindsided by the fact that for the first time in his entire life he can't fight and there's no rage to fall back on. Hell, at this point, he's not even sure what he feels beyond devastation. There's an unfamiliar emptiness inside of him, leaving Raphael feeling hollow and cold in a way that nothing else ever has before.

Abruptly, his breathing picks up and all Raph can feel or hear is his heart beating frantically in his chest as his eyes dart around the room. His gaze moves too quickly for him to actually register any of his surroundings, leaving him feeling lightheaded and disoriented. He's searching for some form of help, although Raph doesn't know what that could possibly be at this point. He's still frozen in place, and his lungs feel like they're on fire, as though he's not getting enough air, which makes no sense because he can hear and feel himself panting. He feels like he's freezing, burning up, drowning, and suffocating all at the same time, and still, he can't make himself move or call out for help.

At least, that is until a hand lands on his shoulder. He doesn't even recognize whose hand it is. All he knows is that it makes him feel trapped and panicked. He knocks the hand away and stumbles backwards as if he's been burned by the physical contact, and the next thing Raph knows his feet are finally moving of their own accord. He doesn't know where he's going or what he intends to do. Everything is a blur of unrecognizable swirls of color and sounds that only register as static white noise. There's a sensation of voices washing over him, but whatever they're saying is no more discernible than anything else. Raph doesn't even realize that he's headed for the sewers until he leaps over the turnstiles and the bright colors give way to a darker dull grey.

He doesn't stop, even once his feet hit the grimy damp cement floor of the furthest tunnels, but his pace lessens and his chest loosens as his breathing calms to a more reasonable level. He doesn't even know where he is at first, but after a minute or two Raph realizes that he ran all the way to Leatherhead's old domain. The giant mutant alligator has been living with the rest of the Mighty Mutanimals for a while now, so Raph figures this is as good a place as any to stop and rest.

He slumps against one of tunnel walls and sinks down to the ground, head in his hands. That strange hollowness is still there, and the foreign lack of anger leaves him feeling uncertain and lost. He doesn't know how long he's been sitting here when a familiar voice interrupts his solitude. "Raphael? My friend, what are you doing here?"

Raph's head shoots up, startled because he didn't even hear Leatherhead's approach, which is worrisome, given the enormous mutant's lumbering, heavy footfalls. "Eh, some ninja I am." Before Leatherhead can respond Raph shakes his head as if to clear it and gets to his feet. "Uh, sorry, big guy. I didn't know you still hang around here. I'll just leave."

Before Raph can make his exit, however, Leatherhead steps in front of him, blocking him from departing. "You do not have to go. I do not normally come back here, but I did intend to gather some supplies I left behind."

Raph nods, unsure of how to respond. After a long moment he attempts to step past the giant mutant alligator again. "Okay, well, I'll just leave you to it, then."

Leatherhead steps into his path once more. "My friend, is something wrong? You do not seem yourself."

Raph falls silent once again. He honestly doesn't have any desire to talk about what happened back at the lair. After all, Leatherhead is more Mikey's friend than his, and it's not as if the mutant alligator could possibly help him. "I'm fine, Leatherhead. You should stop by and see Mikey at some point. He'd like that."

Raph's about to just leap over Leatherhead to get away and find some other section of the sewers to go mope in when Leatherhead's massive clawed hand falls onto his shoulder. The only thing stopping Raph from pulling away is the fact that if he does so Leatherhead's claws will most likely pierce his shoulder, whether the big guy means for it to happen or not. "Truthfully, I could use the company, Raphael, assuming you have nowhere else to be, of course." 

Raph shrugs and decides to stay. After all, he's pretty sure he could use the distraction and the look in Leatherhead's eyes is the same one Master Splinter gets when he refuses to take no for an answer. Although, Raphael finds himself wondering if he'll ever actually see that particular expression in his father's eyes directed at him again. He silently follows Leatherhead over to one of the dilapidated subway cars still littering the tunnel, and then waits for the mutant alligator to force his way through the rusted doors. Raph doesn't hesitate to make his own way inside. There are various piles of seemingly random items, and Leatherhead is hovering over one pile in particular. "Do you want to take all of this stuff with you?"

Leatherhead starts sifting through the pile in front of him as he shrugs. "No, there are only a few useful things here. The rest I see no need for."

Raph nods in understanding. Normally he isn't one for filling the silence. In fact, usually he's perfectly content with only speaking when he has something to say, but as the silence lingers Raph finds himself trapped in a repeated loop of seeing that expression of Splinter's face all over again. He figures, at the very least, Leatherhead can give him a distraction from that for a time. "How are things going with the Mutanimals?"

If Leatherhead is startled in anyway by the question, he doesn't show it. Instead, he continues sorting through the pile he's standing over, pulling out any items that seem useful. "Things are going well. Slash is a good leader."

"That's…good." Raph dithers, unsure of what to say to keep the conversation flowing. This isn't something that he's particularly good at. It's one of the many reasons why he tends to, more often than not; choose to say nothing at all. After all, his comments usually end conversations, not facilitate more. His version of friendly banter tends to only work with Casey and his brothers because they're accustomed to his biting remarks and heavy sarcasm. Somehow, he doesn't feel like either of those things will help here, and that's pretty much the extent of his communication skills. Anything else typically just makes him feel stupid and vulnerable, which he generally avoids at all cost.

Raph considers just turning around and leaving. It's not as if awkwardly standing behind the massive mutant is in any way helping either of them, and he's sure that Leatherhead would probably like to just gather his things in peace without Raph floundering to make dimwitted and senseless conversation. His thoughts are interrupted by Leatherhead suddenly turning around to face him. "You did not answer my earlier question."

Raph stares at him quizzically for a few moments, uncertain of what Leatherhead is referring to. "What?"

"You did not tell me why you are here."

Raph turns his gaze to the ground and forces himself not to shift uncomfortably at the direct query. "I don't know. I just sorta took off running and ended up here."

The colossal mutant suddenly looks concerned. "What were you running from?"

Raph shrugs, once again uncertain of what to say exactly, but he can tell that Leatherhead's gradually becoming distressed. The last thing that Raph needs right now is a rampaging Leatherhead, so he holds up his hands in a pacifying gesture. "It's nothing. I just couldn't take being at the liar anymore."

Leatherhead looks bewildered before settling down to sit across from Raph. He gestures for the turtle to do the same, and, once they're both as comfortable as they can get, Leatherhead asks the one question Raph was hoping to avoid. "Why did you feel the need to flee your home, my friend?"

Raph sighs heavily. He has a feeling that there's no way out of this one. After all, he knows from previous experience that he can't take Leatherhead on alone, and right now he doesn't even have his normal rage to hide behind. "I don't know. It was just a normal fight with Leo. Sure, it escalated into a fight with everyone, but that's hardly the first time that that's ever happened. I know I'm an ass, but I really didn't think that Splinter would ever just give up on me."

Leatherhead shakes his head as he stares at Raph with unease. "I do not believe your master would ever willingly give up on any of his sons."

Raph's eyes start to water again, but he refuses to let the tears fall. "Yeah, but I'm not like my brothers. I've always been a pain in the shell, and I'm sure that if Master Splinter had a choice in it, he wouldn't have chosen me. Leo, Donnie, and Mikey…sure, but me? There's no reason for him to want me…and certainly not now."

Leatherhead stares at him for a long moment before speaking. "He is your father. I do not believe he needs a reason beyond that."

Raph's about to protest - rather vehemently - however, before he gets a chance the doors behind him open to reveal the last person that he wants to see right now. "No, I do not." Master Splinter stands before them, looking rather imposing, and all Raph wants to do is run. Unfortunately, there's no place for him to go. He's trapped…more now than he has ever been before, and with Master Splinter between him and the door and Leatherhead at his back Raph knows that there's nothing that he can do. However, that doesn't make him want to escape any less. "My son, why did you leave?"

Raph shakes his head. He thinks that should be obvious. "What do you care? It's hardly the first time." The words lack his normal bite, but Raph thinks he's managed a good facsimile of his normal rage to hide his apprehension and hurt.

Splinter's ears flatten against his head, but he still takes a step toward Raph, who only holds his ground because there's nowhere else to go. "True, however, you rarely panic or so obviously exhibit such pain."

Raph forces the tension out of his shoulders and tries to appear as calm as possible. "It's nothing. I'm fine. I knew you would eventually get tired of me anyway." He didn't actually mean to say that last part, but Raph figures if they're going to actually have this conversation, then at least it's not in front of his brothers, even if he does have to endure Leatherhead's presence.

"Raphael, my son," Splinter moves closer to him, but stops when he sees Raph tense and move away. He didn't mean to do that either, but the fact that the action halts Splinter's movement only works in his favor. Raph doesn't think he could handle his sensei touching him right now…not while he feels so cornered. "I could never be tired of you. I love you."

Raph shakes his head as he swipes his forearm across his eyes, and hopes that Splinter doesn't notice the trail of wetness left behind. "Love doesn't negate frustration."

His sensei's whiskers twitch, and he looks as though he wants to wrap his son in a hug. Honestly, Raph is just relieved that he doesn't try. "And frustration does not equate surrendering. I will never stop loving you. You are mine just as much as your brothers are, and that will never change."

Raph turns his gaze away, once again unable to continue staring at his sensei. "Yeah, but love also doesn't negate failure."

Someone lets out a hurt noise, and Raph is fairly certainly that it's Splinter, but when his father speaks his voice is just as even as always. "Why do you believe you failed, Raphael?"

"I'm not the son, nor the ninja, that you wanted and I never will be. You know that just as well as I do. That's why you looked at me like that in the dojo…that's why you gave up on me, and there's nothing that I can do about that. I can't be anyone other who I am, and who I am just isn't good enough. It will never be good enough. I finally get that now, and I'm pretty sure that you do, too." His voice is strained from holding back sobs, but he knows that his sensei hears him loud and clear.

Splinter sighs heavily and Raph can hear the sorrow in his voice long before he utters his name. "Raphael, I know that you believe that I want you to be more like your brothers, especially Leonardo, but I assure you I have never wanted you to be any one but yourself."

Raph's hands immediately ball into fists as he shakes all over, desperately trying to suppress his emotions. The rage is suddenly back and all consuming. He never thought that he would miss this feeling, but after spending so long feeling hollow, it's a welcomed reprieve. "That's not true! You always wanted me to be someone else! Maybe not Leo or one of the other two, but you sure as hell never wanted me to be me. My anger is a part of me. It will always be a part of me. It's who I am, and wanting me to be someone without anger is the same as wanting me to be someone else entirely. I can't be that person, and I think it's safe to say we both know that now."

Splinter shakes his head as he places both of his hands on his son's shoulders. "You do not need to be without anger in order to control it. In fact, if you were to lose that rage completely, then you would not gain true control, for true control can only be obtained through endurance."

Raph pushes his father's hands aside and turns away from him, ignoring the look of shock on Leatherhead's face as he silently watches their exchange. Honestly, he had almost forgotten that Leatherhead was still here, given how silent the massive mutant has been throughout this entire discussion. "It doesn't matter. I'm still not the son you want me to be."

His father gently, but firmly, grabs his shell, forcing Raph to face him once more. "Tell me, Raphael. What son do I want, if not the one currently standing in front of me?"

Raph glances around the subway car seemingly at a loss for words. He doesn't know…he's never known. Obviously, if he had a single clue as to what Splinter truly wanted from him, he would do anything to obtain it, but he's not the genius turtle and he never will be. "How am I supposed to know? It's not like you've ever actually told me. You've just made it damn clear that whatever it is, I'm not it."

One again, Splinter's ears flatten against his head as his whiskers seem to wilt. "Do you believe the same of your brothers?"

The inquiry catches Raph off guard. He can't imagine why Splinter is bringing them into this. "What do you mean?"

His father strokes the long hairs of his beard in consideration. "Unintended as it may be, I have evidently made you believe that you are not the son I want you to be. I want to know if you also believe the same of your brothers. Do you believe they are equally not the sons I want?"

Raph shakes his head vigorously. He doesn't understand why his father would think something so preposterous. "Of course not! How could any of them be better? Each of them serves a purpose, but, more than that, they're actually good people. They're everything you could ever want them to be. I'm the only one who doesn't measure up."

"I see," Splinter pauses for a long moment, seemingly lost in thought. "Tell me, why do you believe you are the only one who does not 'measure up,' as you put it?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Raph's tone is incredulous with a side of mystification. He doesn't understand why his father feels the need to ask such questions. "I'm just me, and I know none of you deserve my attitude or the problems that I cause, but I can't stop doing it. I've tried and I've failed…repeatedly. There's nothing that I can do about that."

Splinter sighs heavily, staring at him sorrowfully. "Raphael, you make mistakes, true. However, you are hardly the only one of my sons to do so. This does not in any way make me think less of you as a ninja or a son. You are still brave, strong, passionate, loyal, and loving. Your anger and outbursts do not negate those qualities, nor do they negate my love for you."

Raph forlornly shakes his head. There's an overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around himself, but he pushes it down and refuses to show any weaknesses…well, beyond what he's already exposed. "You don't get it, sensei. I'm not like them. I don't have a single redeeming quality, because the things you claim make me worthwhile to you are the very same qualities that cause all of the strife and tension back home. Face it, my place in this family is exclusively based off of my abilities as a ninja, and eventually my strength and loyalty won't be enough for you to continue to overlook the trouble I create. Heck, at this point, I think it's fair to say that it's already starting to happen. You're already unable to overlook my screw ups, thus what happened in the dojo."

Splinter's eyes narrow in confusion. "And what do you believe happened in the dojo, Raphael?"

Raph's fingers hurt from how tightly he's clenching his fists, and, before he can stop himself, he finds himself practically screaming. "You gave up on me! You looked at me with defeat and knew that there was nothing more that you could do for me. I'm a lost cause, sensei…always have been and always will be."

Splinter glances down at him with tears glistening in his eyes. The next thing Raph knows his father has him wrapped in a tight embrace. "My son, no…you are not a lost cause. I have never seen you as such and, I assure you, I never will."

Raph jerks, desperately trying to escape, but Splinter's arms only tighten around him. "Don't lie to me! I know what I saw!"

Raph freezes when he feels something wet land on the top of his head, and it takes him a moment to realize that it is his father's tears. "My son, it's true. I do not know how to help you. I have tried many techniques, and still, nothing seems to work. However, that does not mean that I have given up on you. It merely means that I am frustrated and at a loss with myself for not having the answers. The defeat you saw in my eyes was directed inward. It was a moment of weakness, but I have not, nor will I ever, give up on you, my precious child."

Raph can't hold back the tears any longer as he clutches at his father. He doesn't know if he truly believes his sensei, but he desperately wants to. He clings to Splinter's robes in a way that he hasn't done since he was a small child and continues to just cry on him. Splinter holds him without mentioning the tears soaking through his robes. Neither one of them says a word as they stand there, grasping at each other like a lifeline, unwilling, or perhaps unable, to break the embrace until their tears taper off.

After what feels like an eternity, Raph pulls away and glances up at his father uncertainly. He doesn't want to break the uneasy silence, but there's a part of him that can't just let this rest, especially with the heavy weight that has settled in his chest. "You promise?" His voice sounds small and pathetic to his own ears, and, once again, Raph finds himself relieved that his brothers aren't here to witness this.

His father places both of his hands on Raph's shoulders and stares at him resolutely. "I promise." He continues to stare at him pointedly for a long moment, seemingly desperate for his son to believe him. After another minute or two, Splinter straightens and clears his throat. "Now, let's return home, Raphael."

Raph nods as he makes his way out of the cramped subway car. They both utter a rather hasty goodbye to Leatherhead, and before Raph knows it, the two of them are well on their way back to the lair. Raph really isn't looking forward to the various questions and teasing from his brothers, but, as he glances over at Master Splinter, he remembers what his father said about how true control can only be obtained through endurance. His father promised to never give up on him, so Raph figures it's only fair to do the same. He doubts that he'll succeed any time soon, but that won't stop him from trying.

Raph smiles, feeling at ease for the first time in a long time, as he walks beside his father through the sewer tunnels. "I love you, dad."

Splinter turns to him with an expression full of genuine relief and happiness. "I love you as well, my son."

The End


End file.
